If the Astros were in the NL West, they’d be 1 GB.  Hooray mediocrity!

*hits self in face*

Really?  Randy Wolf?  Look me in the eyes and tell me Ed Wade shouldn’t be fired… yeah… you’re a liar.

7:00pm–LIVE, from Yankee Stadium, it’s the All-Star Game.  Hey, did you hear about Josh Hamilton?  Hey, did you know this is the last year of Yankee Stadium?  Oh.  OK, then.

7:20–I am digging the Living HOFer/starter introduction.  Berry, berry nice.

7:22–Two thoughts: Better mustache–Rollie Fingers or Goose Gossage?  Eck looks like he could suit up and pitch tonight.

7:25–Just a reminder, I am an AL guy and I love this winning streak.  Suck it, Senior Circuit.

7:40–Four Yankee HOFers throw out some pitches and, mercifully, we are done.  That was cool, but continental drift is faster.

7:44–Hanley Ramirez to lead off for the Nationals.  Cliff Lee (Benton, AR) hurling for the AL.  I love Cliff Lee.

7:46–Ramirez down on strikes.  Still loving Cliffy.

7:47–Chase Utley’s “Boo? Fuck you.” ranks among my favorite live moments ever caught on tape.  That was the most real, average-guy response ever.

7:49–Utley down on strikes.  Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’.  Christ, I just quote Limp Bizkit.  I hate me.  But I love Kliff.

7:51–Lance Berkman, who I would like to be when I grow up, flies out to center.  1-2-3 for the distinguished gentleman of Cleveland.  Time to score some runs.

7:54–Ben Sheets hurling for the Nationals.  Nice of Ben, who along with Lee is on my fantasy team, to really crank it up in a contract year.  And, while we are discussing my fantasy team, Ryan Howard can die in a fire for sucking ass until right after I traded him.  I don’t give a crap if he did go to school in Springfield, MO.

7:55–Ichiro flies out to Matt Holliday.  Nice.  Way to work the count.  Do they not teach that in Asia?

7:56–Derek Jeter, Yankee Captain, gets a rousing ovation and takes his hacks.  He would be MUCH cooler if the “J” were silent, Norwegian-style.  Check swing foul.

7:56–Jeter has nearly 2,500 hits, which is not a record, but bears mentioning.  He then one-hops one into Chutley’s face and reaches first.  LET’S GO, AMERICANS!

7:57–Josh Hamilton, who is probably not high on crack right now, up.  Jeter steals second.  Geo Soto throws like a girl.  Hamilton Ks.

7:57–Dear All-Stars, Slow the hell down so I can blog.  Love, Matt.

7:58–Arod up.  I shan’t make a Madonna joke.  He shows no “Fighting Spirit” in popping out to Soto.  The play “Ain’t No Big Deal.” Damn, I tried.  Now I “Can’t Stop.”

7:59–Gatorade Ballgirl commercial.  Love it.  LOVE. IT.

8:02–Albert Pujols leads off in what looks to be Lee’s last inning.  Joe Buck is verbally fellating Albie.  McCarver is fellating himself.  Pujols out 5-3.  Lee is a god.

8:03–Larry Jones first-pitch swinging and reaches on a single up the middle.  LAR-RY!  LAAARRRRR-RRRRY!

8:04–Matt Holliday, who was totally out at home last year, also swings at Lee’s first toss.  He’s out 3-U, but Larry scoots to second.  “Scoot” is a funny word.

8:05–Ryan Braun due up.  I love Ryan Braun.  That’s a solid baseball player’s name.  I don’t even mind that his people killed Jesus, so long as he keeps hitting like this.  Yes, he’s on my fantasy team.  Braun is now 0-2.  JESUS WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE, RYAN!

8:06–Braun Ks; Lee is done.  Kliffy is a bad, bad man.

8:07–I can’t decide what is worse, stealing a bite of someone’s Queso Crunchwrap or ORDERING a Queso Crunchwrap.  Man, I could totally go for Ninfa’s right now.

8:08–Sheets deals to Man-Ram.  “Manny being Manny” is one of the more annoying media cliches.  Right up there with “Favre is a gunslinger” and “The WNBA: where dyke happens.”

8:11–Manny still hitting.  I love it when hitters work the count in the All-Star game because you can tell it pisses everyone off (Manny just Kd), but I don’t particularly like seeing my pitchers get the brunt of it.

8:12–Milton Bradley (former Indian) stands in.  I’d pay $50 to see him snap and punch someone while screaming “THIS TIME IT MATTERS!!!”

8:13–Who is crazier, Milton Bradley or Carl Everett?  I’m leaning toward the guy who thinks dinosaur bones were put here to test human faith in the Bible.  Bradley walks.

8:14–Kevin Youkilis up.  The fact that he is a starter makes me hate Red Sox fans even more.  The fact that he bats with his hands apart makes me want to deport all Greek people.

8:15–Why didn’t I use Cover It Live for this live blog like we did for the NFL Draft?  Because I am retarded.  Discuss.

8:16–Sheets is throwing GAS right now.  But it doesn’t matter because Bradley swiped second on Soto’s gay arm.  Nice toss, shitbox.  Maybe don’t wind up like you are throwing a splitter before you throw down.

8:17–Youkilis just misses doubling down the line as it hooks foul.  Then he strikes out.  Ben Sheets is his daddy.

8:18–Joe Mauer is good, don’t get me wrong, but he deserved that MVP about as much as I did.  Buck mentions being willing to let Mauer give him a Hot Carl, however.  Dunno what that is all about.  Also, a graphic just showed Mauer can’t hit the low ball.  Straight ball, he hit very much.

8:20–In case you were wondering, yes, I am drunk.  Don’t judge me.

8:21–Sheets has thrown 537 pitches this inning and he just walked Mauer.  Dustin Pedroia is up.  I’m pretty sure I could kick his ass. 1st and 2d, two out.  C’mon, Dusty.

8:22–Nope.  Flies out to center.  The Red Sox can go to Hell.

8:24–Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are accosting Yogi Berra.  Berra is jovial.  McCarver is engorged.

8:26–Joe Saunders, who looks like John Lackey, is the new AL hurler.  Kosuke Fukudome up.  Fox shows a clever graphic with all the text in Japanese.  And, by “clever,” I mean “stupid.” Fuck You, Do Me is out.

8:28–Swinging early, Soto flies out to center.  He still throws like a girl.

8:29–Hanley Ramirez, who is also on my fantasy team, is up.  I’m calling it—he goes 50-50 next year. Ramirez laces a single into right.  Bring on Chutley.

8:30–Berra just called Joe Buck, “Jack.”  Wouldn’t be a big deal, but Joe couldn’t carry Jack’s jock.

8:31–Chutley grounds out harmlessly to Youkilis, the inning and the world’s dullest interview mercifully end.  Unfortunately, McCarver’s life goes on.

8:32–That new Will Ferrell/John C. Reilly movie?  Not feeling it.  At all.

8:33–Carlos Zambrano takes the mound to face Ichiro.  I still don’t understand how Ichi hits like that, but he ropes one into right.  Let’s see if the AL continues to abuse Soto.

8:34–Yeter up. 6-4-3.  Fuck.

8:35–John Hamilton up.  Hey, Joe Buck, could you please recap his story for me?  Ahh…thank you.  I was afraid his face would show up without hearing about his crack habit.  Hamilton rolls to Utley and even a crackhead isn’t fast enough to beat that one out.  End of inning.

8:39–Roy Halladay takes over for Saunders.  I hate it when people call him “Doc.”  I also hated McGriff as “Crime Dog.”  Shouldn’t the last name have to match for the nickname to be funny?  Berkman up, this time from the left side.  And he promptly Ks.  Sit down, now.

8:40–Poo Holes up.  This game is moving right along, which is great for all of you doing live blogs.

8:41–Poo laces one off the right field wall, Ichi plays it perfectly off the corner and fires to second…OUT!  Boo motherfucking yah!  What a throw, fo’ realz!  McCarver says Ichiro is the best right fielder since Clemente.  Take that for what you will.

8:42–Chipper grounds out to short.  End of half-inning.

8:44–Arod, whose penis smells nothing “Like A Virgin,” up.  I really need to quit.  Also, the very idea of Madonna’s vag frightens me.  But that’s because I refuse to eat after Sean Penn.

8:46–Arod Ks.  We are testing the pitchers’ urine, too, right?  Wow.

8:47–Manny being target, Zambrano lobs an awful curve over his enormous melon.  Manny works the count a tad and grounds out to Chutley.  McCarver disagrees with the accuracy of an on-screen stat.  The numbers say Manny hits .165 on certain pitches; McCarver says he does not.  Sorry, Timbo, but I’m going to rely on the math.

8:48–Bradley grounds to short, but Han Ram fires high and wide and Bradley is safe.  Run, baby!  RUN!

8:49–Youkilis waits and…Bradley is picked off at first.  Zambrano apparently didn’t want to rely on Soto to throw anyone out.  End of inning.

8:54–Ervin Santana in to pitch, Hamilton moves to left, Sizemore in center.  Exciting.  Holliday to lead off for the Nationals.  Holliday destroys a 2-strike pitch into the right field seats.  NL leads 1-0.  Boo.

8:56–No, seriously, thanks Ervin.  Way to enjoy your first All Star appearance.  Maybe he’ll have better luck with Braun.

8:57–Niiiiice play up the middle by Pedroia retires Braun.  And Arod is promptly removed from the game to make way for Joe effin’ Crede.  Fuku down 0-2.

8:58–And he Ks.  Soto up.  And he Ks.  Man, glad these Cubs could be here tonight.  They are really adding to my All Star experience.  Halfway done.

9:00–Hey, there’s Nate McLouth.  And Russell Martin is receiving from Dan Haren.  Wholesale change time.  Except for Youkilis, he’s still in there.  Yay.

9:02–And Youk is gone, F-9.

9:03–Mauer up the middle, Haren gets a glove on it, fucking himself in the process.  Mauer is on.  Let’s score already!  Ian Kinsler, running for Mauer, I demand you steal right now.

9:05–Haren deals to Pedroia.  Kinsler bluffs to second but stops.  Dude, you are from Missouri, SHOW ME you can steal second.

9:06–Kinsler goes, Martin’s throw is in time but high, and Ian is safe.  Whitey ball reigns supreme in the AL right now.  Dusty walks.  Two on, one out.

9:08–Ichiro.  Last time he was up, Buck and Tim mentioned that Ichiro could conceivably reach 2,000 hits some time next season, which will only be his 9th in MLB.  Impressive.  But not as impressive as the fastball Haren just blew by Ichi for the K.

9:09–Yeter is up.  Who has banged more quality tail, Derek or Brad Pitt?

9:10–Haren is straight dealing right now.  The splitter is nigh invincible.  Jeter stays alive, works it to a full count.

9:12–Yeter grounds out, 1-3.  Poop.

9:14–Justin Duchsherearehere takes over, facing Hanley Ramirez, who singles to left.  It’s Chutley time.

9:18–Ramirez goes, but Chut fouls it off.  Blah blah blah Yankee Stadium blah history blah blah.

9:19–Sorry…got bored.

9:20–Duchshrrrrererrere has flu-like symptoms.  Tim Lincecum also has flu-like symptoms, but he was a pussy and went to the hospital.  Chut singles to right, Ramirez goes to third, and the NL is threatening.

9:21–Berkman flies out to Sizemore, Ramirez scores. 2-0 Nationals.  Jeter is promptly lifted from the game to cheers and thrown panties.  Michael Young (my fantasy team) on the field.  Pujols at bat.

9:24–Pujols up the middle for a hit, Chut moves to second.  In other news, Justin Duchsureisshit is playing like he is hung over.  Flu my ass, dude.

9:25–Larry. Discussion of Steinbrenner as a HOFer.  Yeter is in favor.  McCarver misses the whole conversation because he is waiting to talk about the Tampa Rays.

9:27–Larry down on strikes.  Holliday quickly pops out to Kinsler.  Bottom o’ six, here we come.

9:27–These Burger King commercials crack me up for some reason.  “You either discover a star or you don’t, you arrogant punk.”  Nice.

9:29–More changes in the field.  I’m not going to list them here.  No one is reading this live anyway.

9:31–Josh Hamilton facing Dan Haren and Hamilton does a line into center.  Joe Buck continues relaying the story of Josh.  In other news, I wish I were deaf.

9:32–Here’s Joe Crede.  Man,  I hate the White Sox.  Love me some Jim Thome, but hate the rest.

9:33–Crede pops out to Dan Uggla.  Here’s Sizemore, ladies.

9:34–Hamilton swipes second.  The AL cares not for the NL catchers’ arms.

9:35–Full count on Grady.  Remember last year, when the Indians were oh-so-close to the World Series?  I miss those days.

9:36–Grady Ks looking.  The lack of a backward K on my keyboard suddenly becomes an issue.

9:37–Milton Bradley gets under one, McLouth tracks it down.  End of six.

9:38–Big Mac…you SO want one.  Who the fuck came up with this retarded slogan?!?

9:39–More changes.  Still 2-0.  Braun down on Ks.

UPDATE: At this point, my baby daughter decided to wake up screaming because her stomach hurt, so I was pulled away from the game for twenty minutes.  When I got back, J.D. Drew (who I loathe) had homered to tie the game, so I didn’t want to jinx the AL by starting this back up.

Wrap-up thoughts:

1. The All-Star game still needs fixing.  But that is a separate post that I hope to get to soon.

2. The AL still owns the NL.  Life is good.

3. The NL’s defense over the 8th, 9th, 10th, and 11th was nothing short of amazing.  I have a LOT of respect for Christian Guzman this morning.

4. Re: #3…not so much you, Dan Uggla.  WOW, that was bad.

5. Michael Young is a god.

6. 12 straight years without a loss.  Sweeeeet.

For the Stros, June was an ugly month.  It’s not like the team completely sucked ass and died, though, which makes a retrospective…interesting.  However, there are some patterns that are obvious, some patterns that many fans were worried about before the season began.

Offense:

Team: .264 Avg,  .317 OBP, .426 OBP

And there you have it, really.  We play baseball like a slow-pitch softball team.  Only 65 BB in 841 ABs is not acceptable.  We had 29 HR as a team in the month, yet we only drove in 92 runs.

However, there’s another disturbing trend at work.  We are a reliant team.

 Lance Berkman: 977 OPS.  Lee: 954 OPS. Wiggington, Erstad, and Loretta were the only other guys close to 800.

Miggy Tejada:  684 OPS.  After an awesome first month, he’s been a less than 700 OPS kind of guy.  Even Adam Everett has a 653 career OPS.  IOW, yes,Tejada has been Everett without the defense and about five extra bases a month.

Kaz Matsui: 2 BB in 67 ABs.  So much for his ability to get on base.

Hunter Pence: Eh, he’s young, so he gets a gimme.

Still, thanks to Berkman and Lee, the offense wasn’t so bad.  In fact, we were what we have been: lots of HRs with nobody on base.  HRs are great, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but we need to get people on base to make them count.

Pitching:

Ever seen Semi-Pro?  That scene where Jackie Moon talks about how he’s never thrown up?  Looking at our staff would induce that.

Again, we were made up of two players: Roy Oswalt and Wandy Rodriguez.  They combined for 5 of our 10 wins,  and provided an excellent third of our innings *as a team!*  Can’t say enough good things about their performance for the month.

Scuffy Moehler??? Two of our remaining 5 wins, and some solid pitching, if not nerve-wracking.

So, let’s take away those three guys, and what do we have???

 In the other 128 innings, our pitchers gave up a whiplash-inducing 5.85 ERA and 1.66 WHIP.  This includes Chris Sampson’s outstanding transition to the pen, where he was borderline unhittable.

Brandon Backe and Shawn “Ack!” Chacon led the shit-fest, but it was truly a team effort.

Fact is, we can’t expect Scuffy to put up numbers.  Basically, we have Roy and Wandy on our pitching staff, and we have Berkman and Lee with the occasional help on offense.  Why did we have such a poor June?  Over-reliance on the few.

The truly bad news?  We are an old team, and we have been injury free.  It’s more likely to get worse than better from here.

I haven’t said anything about it on this blog, but I’ve been dealing with some pretty serious shit lately.  For anybody who has asked, I haven’t hidden the fact that my mother and I were about as close as oil and water.

But, if there’s one thing in common that we did have, outside of religion, was the Astros.

It was my mother who introduced me to baseball.  My dad had one of the meanest sinkers I’ve ever caught, but my mother was the one who loved the game.  When her parents moved to Texas from New York, Babe Ruth helped my grandmother out by holding a certain little baby on the ferry.  When my mother was dying, I was able to tell her about my son, whose stroke looks like some melding of Reggie Jackson and the Babe.

It was my mother’s parents who had the badass tickets at Stros games when I was growing up.

The movie “Field of Dreams” is as much about Joe Jackson as it is about the caste system in India.  The movie is about the bond between a father and son, long since estranged (and dead, I guess) by the paths that life took them.  Without the game of catch, the last month has been some bed-ridden version of “Field of Dreams” for me, an excuse to bond with my mother.  We got to watch her almost beloved Yankees play her actually beloved Astros.  We got to talk about the poor composition of the team.

Then, she went to sleep.

Then, she died a couple of days later.

Out of everything else, it’s this simplistic bond - the bond of baseball - that I feel like I have failed at more than any other with my mother.  All other things considered, perhaps it’s that one commonality that we shared that could’ve given us more time together.  Perhaps, everything else considered, maybe not.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve seen a co-worker persue his dream, and my mother died.  Why are they similar?  It’s always been those things I haven’t done that I’ve regretted more than the things I have done.

I wouldn’t have done things too differently, but I do regret certain parts of the situation.  And I think baseball could’ve been the key.

(This post is dedicated to CEP, who turned out to be a helluva stand-up guy at the end)

Thanks for joining me here in part two, which is really just part 1A of an obscenely long post I felt like breaking into two. What’s really the problem with the Astros? As I suggested earlier, it’s a combination of McLane’s overbearing personality which led to the hiring of problem number two, Special Ed.

It starts at the top with Drayton. You can’t completely begrudge the work he’s done – he introduced a modicum of stability and success into a franchise that had lost its way. He saved the franchise from being moved in the early 90s. That being said, the best owners keep a watchful eye on their franchise but leave the iron fist at home. Not so with Drayton and I think this is best illustrated by two problems. First, the Hunsicker departure. For once, Dickie Justice is right – running Hunsicker out of town was a terrible idea. He’s responsible for our one and only World Series appearance and (just look at the Devil Rays) clearly knows what he’s doing. You keep that sort of talent around even if you disagree with him at times.

Things are in a right awful state at Minute Maid Park. As much as I enjoy Shawn Chacon going Stone Cold Steve Austin on Ed Wade, that is a downright frightening indicator of the cancerous state of the clubhouse. I’ve got my own theories, mostly premised on two things: (1) Drayton McLane is a despot, and (2) Ed Wade makes me wish Steve Phillips was in charge. But all joking aside, it’s time to be extremely worried about your hometown heroes.

What started as one long post – I’ve decided to break into two parts. The idea is pretty simple: accountability is lacking in two places – the Astros and the coverage. Welcome to part one, where the average fan gets no answers from the media!

Now I usually steer clear of the Chomicale, but these guys have access to the clubhouse – and if I’m going to get a straight answer about what’s going on, I need to give Little Dickie Justice and the merry bad of ass-clowns over there a chance to inform me. How many times must I burn my hand on the stove?

Not the one that begins with, “I never thought it would happen to me…”, but it’s a start.

HOUSTON (AP)—Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon was suspended indefinitely by the team Wednesday for insubordination after reportedly grabbing general manager Ed Wade by the neck and throwing him to the ground.

Now, I’m not condoning violence, per se, as much as I am hoping that, when Chacon grabbed Wade, it dislodged whatever it is that has obviously been keeping oxygen from his brain.  Of course, it’s also fair game to wonder how Chacon grabbed Wade’s neck in the first place.  Was he actually just giving me a friendly colonoscopy that got out of hand?

Nevertheless, it’s fair to think that Chacon has seen his last game as an Astro.  And, here again, we go dipping into our horribly depleted minor league system to try and find an answer.

Dammit.

(PS: Dear AP: I linked to one of your articles, assholes.  See you in court.  And if you think the proven scam artists at the Media Bloggers Association represent me, you guys are incredibly moronic.)

You’ll have to excuse us for a moment as we drift a bit away from baseball.  And in honor of the man who inspired this piece, we’ll be using his trademark royal “we.”  If we’ve appeared to hijack his tone, we apologize.

There are only two mediums in which blogs can truly thrive: sports and politics.  This is because these are the only two large mediums in which opinions are central.  Sure, you could have blogs dedicated to coup d’états and natural disasters (and we would not be surprised if these existed) – but those are inherently fact-based situations.  Either the president of Turkey was overthrown or he wasn’t.  Either an earthquake struck Chile or it didn’t.  It’s hard to have a compelling opinion one way or the other.  But politics and sports are different.  Obama opted out of public financing – this is a fact.  But is this a good idea or a bad idea?  How do we think McCain will react?  Lloyd Carr called a screen on 3rd and 11 – did it cost the Wolverines the game?  Should he have called a slant-route to Manningham?  Politics and sports are ripe for debate and discussion – and thus their respective blogospheres were born.

Last week’s ranking had just a touch of cynicism to it.  This week I’ll do my best to toss out a few legitimately interesting and exciting things.  Don’t hold your breath.

1.  The California Angels of Los Angeles Anaheim California America:  These are, of course, personal power rankings of my nonsensical interests – but this one is a bit more personal.  I spent the last two years living in Philadelphia.  I am not a big fan of Philadelphia.  Fandom stereotypes exist for a reason.  The first time I went to see the Astros play the Phillies, a mentally retarded guy heckled me for nine innings.  His two juvenile acquaintances called him “the Fonz.”  He informed me of two things: (1) he was going to shit in my hat, and (2) the Beatles are gay (I was wearing a Beatles t-shirt).  Because of this, and my equally stereotypical experience at an Eagles game (PEOPLE, I WAS ROOTING FOR THE EAGLES) I hate any and all Philadelphia sports teams.  I wish them 1,000 years of failure and misery.  This is a long way of saying thanks to the Angles for sweeping the Phillies after Cole Hamel’s ridiculous prophecy last week.

2.  George Carlin:  Shit.  Piss.  Fuck.  Cunt.  Cocksucker.  Motherfucker.  Tits.  Seven words I’m sure he can say in the afterlife.

3.  Gaza Hezballers: I was going to drop them this week, I swear.  There’s an event horizon of self-congratulations – though I’m not sure Matt has ever reached that point.  But then Mark Teixeira belted three home runs in one game.  God my team is good.

4.  Curt Schilling’s Shoulder:  I’m disappointed he didn’t live-blog the surgery on his site!  New word is that he could be pitching by winter.  Yup.  And by winter I’m gonna be Pope!  Good riddance to annoying self-righteous gasbags.

5.  Fresno State Bulldogs:  A complete 180 from my reverence for Tiger’s total domination last week.  Fresno State making the College World Series finals (against the Georgia Bulldogs) is – seeding and competition wise – more impressive than George Mason making the final four.  You gotta root for the underdog!  They’d be higher up the list if Fresno State wasn’t the alma mater of a certain white-glove wearing fairy who couldn’t beat a blind midget in HORSE if you spotted him H-O-R-S and a lay-up… much less an SEC baseball team.

And just to echo the new mantra that seems to be drifting round the blogosphere today – fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.